Community and Relational Friction

Community.  It’s a word full of meaning.  Words like communion, commune, communal, common, commonality, and fellowship come to mind when you hear it.  The word literally means a group of people sharing common characteristics.

Pace Community Church has the word Community included in its name.  It’s there for a specific reason.  We are not simply a church for the community of Pace, we are a community of believers who share a common faith and we live in community with one another.

Living in community is one of the ways that God meets some of our deepest needs.  We are called to live in fellowoship; not to live alone.  In fact, there are about fifty-six commands you cannot obey unless you belong to a New Testament Church!  That’s how important community really is.

But here’s the hard part.  It’s not always easy getting along with everyone.  Even under the best of conditions, there’s no way to be in community with other people without experiencing friction.  It just comes from rubbing shoulders with other people.

So how do you get along with others and have them get along with you?  How do you build community with one another, and at the same time, keep the peace?

Do the Matthew 18:15 Thing.  By far the most important lesson I have ever learned about relational health is to practice Matthew 18:15.  Not just talk about it, but to DO it.  This verse is elemental:  if you have a problem with someone, go to them alone and work it out.

Sounds simple.  It’s not.

The temptation is to go to six of our friends, telling them our problem and painting the other person as a jerk and ourselves as the victim.  Our tendency is to go to someone else, instead of the person we are supposed to talk to, and share our concerns or gripes with them.

When you do that, you’ll feel better for a little while (about 15 minutes) because you’ve gotten it off your chest for the moment, but all you have done is rehearsed and cemented your anger, resentment, or sense of offense or hurt.  Ever thought of it that way?  Probably not.  You’ve just drilled your feelings of conflict deeper and set them in concrete.  And not only that, you’ve contributed to the breakdown of community by getting others to join you in your conflict with the person you are against, to feel what you feel, to be offended like you’re offended, and to be hurt like you are hurt.  Why?  Because you just spewed it all over them.  It’s a smoke screen for gossip, slander, and sowing discord.

Jesus said go to that person and that person alone.  Period.  It’s the only way to contain the conflict and bring it to a resolution.  That’s why I have included Matthew 18:15 in our Membership Covenant.   It’s really that important.  It is SINFUL when some offended person starts talking to a third party without first talking the first person.

Be Quick.  Have you noticed how big things get when they’re given time to grow?  All I have to do is take something home with me, and by the time I see the person a few days later, it has already gone through a few imaginary conversations in my mind and been magnetized so that every negative thing in my memory – real or imagined – gets attached.  When the time comes to actually to do Matthew 18:15, my rpm’s are way higher than the situation deserves.

So I have learned to be quick and “on the spot” with things as much as I can be.  If I am offended or bothered by something, instead of waiting a week, I’ll ask the person very quickly about the misunderstanding.  For instance, if I am in a staff meeting, a leaders meeting, a small group, or a social setting, and someone says something to me that rubs me the wrong way, I’ll speak to them almost immediately.  I’ll say, “Hey, I’m sure you didn’t mean it this way, but when you said this-or-that it sounded like you were directing it towards me.  Were you?”  Nine times out of ten they’ll say, “Really?  I’m sorry; I didn’t mean anything like that.”  Then it’s done.

No wonder the Bible says never to let the sun go down on your anger.  When the sun goes down, your emotions ramp up.

Believe the Best.  Believe the best about people, rather than assuming the worst – especially under the influence of gossip.  That’s just a good thing to do.  Tied to this is being fiercely loyal to your fellow members, fellow staff, and church leaders.  You will often hear others attempt to tear them down – it comes with the territory.  That’s when you insist that person practice Matthew 8:15, but you also refuse to give any room to the negative seed they tried to plant in your  own spirit.

The attitude of believing the best is simply suspending judgment in favor of the person.  It means giving them the benefit of the doubt

Watch Out for Absalom.  King David was an incredible, godly, yet flawed leader.  I deeply admire him, marvel at his life, and have learned from his failures.  His biggest failure was not his sexual liaison with Bathsheba.  It was his failure to recognize the betrayal of Absalom, his very own son.  It resulted in a divided kingdom and a civil war.  David almost lost everything.  You remember the story........

When anyone showed up with a case to bring before the king, Absalom would call him over and say, “Look the king is not going to listen to you.”  Then he’d say, “Why doesn’t someone make me the judge of this country?”  Absalom did this to everyone who came to do business with the king and stole the hearts of everyone in Israel” (2 Samuel 15:2-6 The Message Bible).

There you have it.  Absalom at the gate, winning the hearts of the people with a HYPER-community, HYPER-sensitive approach coupled with an “I understand your concerns even if the king doesn’t.”  It was simply subversive.

David was a cause-driven man.  He had built the kingdom, fought the enemies, restored the Ark of the Covenant back to Israel, passionately worshipped God, and stood steadfastly by God in spite of all his flaws.  But he wasn’t the compassionate counselor.  He wasn’t the touchy-feely, in-their-home-eating-apple-pie kind of guy.  He was the warrior kind of leader, which made him vulnerable to the Absalom types.

Most leaders are.  They plant churches, reach sinners far from God, buy property, erect houses of worship, develop systems to structure a church, baptize new converts, snatch fire brands from the burning, and invade the gates of hell!  Absalom types come in after the hard work is done, and with their touchy-feely demeanor win over the people who have already by reached.

That’s why we need to watch out for these types; they destroy community.

Solution?  Don’t let them get a foothold.  Really, I don’t know how else to convey this.  If there is an Absalom in our midst, you don’t give them a platform.  Instead, you marginalize them.  You don’t even let them sit at the city gate with access to people who are coming in, where all they will do is spread dissent.

Know Where Satan Will Attack.  The word "community" contains the word unity within it.  Unity is at the very core of having a healthy and happy church where true fellowship occurs.  So this is the one thing that Satan seeks to destroy.  He will do all he can to stir up dissention, conflict, and discord.  He will attempt to drive staff teams apart, create animosity among volunteers, and encourage disloyalty in the ranks. 

Why?  Because he knows that unity is the primary proof of true Christianity. 

Jesus said that it would be this kind of unity and this unity alone that would capture the world’s attention and confirm that He was from the Father and that we are His disciples.

That’s why it matters.

No Sunday Mind Dump....

If you were at church today, you already know it was a good day all around.  Very solid.  So instead of posting the usual, I thought I'd show some pictures of a day trip Renae and I took yesterday. 

I've been going to this place since I was a kid, and it still holds special significance to me.  We were in Blackwater State Forest.  There are hundreds of places like this to spend time at.  Of course, some of you locals will recognize this location instantly.

Blackwater State Forest

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This was a nice place to be yesterday, Saturday.  Very quiet and relaxing.

This Sunday

This Sunday’s message is:  The Pharisee and the Tax Collector, from Luke 18:9-14. 

In it we will learn about pride & humility, the ruin of religion, empty worship, self-righteousness, the inaccuracy of limited atonement, and how universally merciful God is towards all people, even the most wicked.

So often, God’s way of looking at things is much different than ours.  Although the tax collector's sins were many, because of his honest and contrite confession he experienced God’s forgiveness and justification.

Not the Pharisee, who was proud, very religious, and trusted in election and his own goodness.  But in the sight of God he had committed one of the worst sins of all – spiritual pride.  It oozed out of him with his holier-than-thou attitude that caused him to look down his nose at others outside his select club.  He was narrow minded, intolerant, and judgmental.

No wonder Jesus said, “Harlots and tax collectors will go into God’s kingdom before you” (Matthew 21:31).

PKs

Sons are a heritage from the LORD,  children a reward from Him (Psalms 127:3 NIV)

I am the father of two sons.  They are grown up now.  One is married, the other in college.  They grew up in church as part of that infamous fraternity known as “PKs”, or preacher’s kids.  Don’t worry.  I’m not about to offer you a sweeping parenting essay.  But there are a few things unique to parenting as a minister that I see as decisive for our kids surviving their fishbowl existence in our home; those things I will share.

They Never Knew.  First, they never knew they were PKs when they were little, because we never treated them that way, or allowed anyone else to treat them that way.  We never told them that they had to act a certain way or go to certain events that others expected of them just because their parents were in the ministry.  We never made being a PK a liability or a burden for them to carry.  We tried to make their family experience something wonderful and normal.  My kids knew Dad was a preacher, but it only meant they were part of a church family like other kids.  It meant that people knew who they were, loved them, and cared about them like a large extended family of aunts and uncles.

We Served Together.  Another dynamic about our home was that we served together as a family in church.  In the early days of PCC, when we were first planted, we would go to the school together early on Sunday morning to do set up.  We swept the floors, placed chairs, and set up sound equipment together as a family along with other volunteers.  We would laugh, play, horse around, rib each other, and horse around.  We made “church work” part of our family time, and the kids learned to look forward to it.  They associated going to church with fun. This set a precedent for the ensuing years, as together we continued to serve in the church.  To this day, my sons still love the church they were raised in.

No Command Performances.  One of the more important decisions we made was letting out kids interact with the church like any other set of kids.  We never pressured them to attend all the events going on at church, even the ones that church people expected PKs to be at.  We knew the fish bowl our sons were living in and the expectations that people placed upon them – be here, do that, attend this.  We also knew that such a regimen could create burnout and resentment.  So we decided early on that we were not going to make our kids do anything except attend the weekend worship service and encourage them to find a place to serve as a volunteer.  They were already in church so much and so heavily involved in serving that we just didn’t have it in our hearts to ask them to do more.

Protect Our Home.  One of the banes of ministry life upon the family is the evening meeting.  If not careful, volunteers, leaders, staff, and pastors can be at the church every night of the week attending meetings.  To protect our home, we purposely limited how many evening meetings we attended.  I never expected my kids to be at church three or four nights a week, and I never allowed myself either.  Still don’t.  The evenings are primarily family time, home time, and it deserves to be kept that way.

Yes, some evening meetings are necessary, but the number should be limited.  You may think, “Then when do you meet with the lay leaders of the church?  Easy – over breakfast or lunch as much as possible.  And they prefer to have it that way, because they want to be home with their family too!

My Family Comes Before the Church.  Always has.  Still does. The three most important things in life to me are: God, family, and church…. and in that order.  How many men look back on lives spent in the ministry, only to see their children far from God, with vacant, bitter hearts, because of an absentee father?  Almost anyone could take my place and lead PCC, but I am the only father my sons will ever have.  My commitments begin with Christ, but then Christ calls me to be committed to my wife and family.  My ministry is a distant third.  You are right – I am called to a life of sacrifice and service.  And I will gladly sacrifice myself, but not them.

Now, years later, I can tell you that it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Keeping Our Church Forever Young

One of the lessons they don't teach you in seminary is that a church, left to itself, will naturally turn inward, which is exactly why it takes a disproportionate amount of energy to keep it focused outward.  All I have to do is nothing, and it turns inward.  I don’t have to spend any effort to get people to have their needs met, take a class they are interested in for spiritual growth, or worship enthusiastically to great music.  But it takes enormous effort to get people to die to themselves, to set aside their personal preferences, in order to reach out to others.  I’m not talking about simply encouraging people to invite their friends to church with them, but to sacrifice themselves in ways necessary for growth, such as attending alternate service times, parking far way, making room for others to serve, or sacrificially giving.

Another natural descent involves become outdated.  Left to itself, the church will find itself frozen in time in terms of décor, style of music, technology, message topics, and methods.

But the most overlooked natural flow of the church is that left to itself, the church will grow old.  Why is this so dangerous?  Because if a church grows old, it’s almost certain that is has turned inward and become outdated.  And that means you have started on a death spiral.

I’ve always known this, but had a wake up call a couple years ago.  I was attending a church service related to leadership development.  I will never forget watching the band take the stage, the people who filled the seats, and the staff mingling between the services.  Everyone seemed to be so much younger than me.  I had one overwhelming thought of PCC, “We’re much older than this.”  That was hard to accept, because PCC has always been known as the “new” church in town, the “young” church, and the “innovative” church.  Now all I could think was that we were not young anymore. 

This realization came to me full force to me last year.  As you know I have stepped off the stage during music time, no longer playing guitar every Sunday.  The reasons for this role change are many, but little did I realize the new perspective I would gain from sitting in the congregation viewing those on stage.  Maybe it was a bit of a scheduling fluke, or maybe it was God wanting me to get the message, but one particular Sunday as I was sitting in the congregation during worship time, I noticed that every person on stage that day was in their forties or mid fifties, except one.  And when I took the stage to speak, I did so as a fifty-three year old!  In an instant, our church looked completely different to me.

The irony is that we were (are) still young as a church in terms of our attenders – mostly folks in their thirties.  But we were losing and unable to retain twenty-something year olds, which meant we would soon be losing our thirty-something year olds, and the creep would go on.

When I planted PCC thirteen years ago (at forty years old) my goal was never to have a church that was exclusively for young people.  But the vision was never to be a church only for old people either, or to have one generational life-cycle before we closed the doors.

Right then and there, sitting in the chairs that day, I made a vow to myself: we will not die of old age!  If the natural flow of a church is to grow older as time marches on, then that means the leadership of PCC has to invest a disproportionate amount of energy towards young people in order to maintain a vibrant population of young adults.

So we did.  Just walk down the children’s hallway on Sunday morning, drop in on a Wednesday night youth service, take a look at the ushers serving in the isles, or take a peek at the stage on Sunday morning or in the sound booth, and you will see more teens and twenty-something year olds deployed in service than in most churches.  Using young people has always been a strength of PCC, and now that we are thirteen years into this work we must be very deliberate and intentional about it to ensure a vibrant future.  If I have anything to do with it, Pace Community Church WILL HAVE more than a one generation life-cycle before it closes its doors.  Should the Lord delay His coming, PCC will outlast and outlive me.

Here are three headlines that are disarmingly simple in maintaining influence and impact with the next generation.

1. To attract young adults, you have to hire young adults.  It seems simple enough, but it’s often overlooked.  Very few churches intentionally seek to hire people in their twenties.  But without a twenty-something staff, we are cut off from the next generations culture.  That includes technology, which is heavily oriented toward new forms of communication.  The idea here is the need for reverse mentoring, that the younger generation teaches the older generation a thing or two, something that is seldom used but much needed.

2. To attract young adults, you have to “platform” young adults.  I have written about this before.  See the links at the bottom of this page.  That’s how strongly I feel about it.  One of the unwritten laws of church life is this:  who you platform is who you will attract.  If you want a church of forty-something year olds, then be sure to stack all ministry positions with that age group only.  But if you do that, don’t sit back and wonder where all the young people went.

Now before you think you need to raise the banner for the importance of a multi-generational church, I’m all with you.  But here is another unwritten law of church flow: the best way to become multi-generational is to intentionally target young adults.

Here’s why.  Older people are attracted to environments of young people, but the reverse is not true – young people are not attracted environments of old people.  In other words, if a church targets young people (in music, ministry style, programming, and serving opportunities, etc) it will attract both young and old alike. But if a church targets old people, it will not attract young people.

Case in point – just look around PCC on any given Sunday morning and notice the mixture of all the age groups in our congregation.  We have babies, kids, teens, 20’s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80-something year olds all in one church family!  That’s great.  But this doesn’t happen by accident.  It happens because we make young people visible.

Whether we are rocking with an electric guitar riff or singing a hymn, or whether I am sharing a sobering message, reciting the apostles creed, or a group of girls are on stage dancing with sign language, all the age groups at PCC are eating it up!  Young and old alike.

There you have it.  PCC rocks and dances to the apostles creed.  You heard it here first.

3.  To attract young adults, you have to acknowledge young adults.  To acknowledge a young person is to acknowledge their world, their sensibilities, their technology, their vocabulary, their priorities, and their questions.  Notice I did not say cater to such things, only to acknowledge them.  Become familiar with their favored musical groups.  And by all means, let’s embrace the technology of the next generation, as it will fast become the technology of us all. 

By acknowledging the world that young adults live in, you validate them and in retrun they identify with you.  Most importantly, we get street cred.

Bottom line?  Sometimes building a cultural divide is as simple as who you hire, who you platform, and who you acknowledge.  Yes, a person who is fifty or older should come and find points of connection and community in our church, and thankfully, so many of us do.  But that’s not the problem.  We’re reaching the fifty-and-over age groups.  It’s the twenty-something year olds we’ll miss if we’re not careful.

Don’t believe me?  Ask a Southern Baptist.

Here are links related to this subject I wrote last year:

Giving Young Adults a Seat at the Leadership Table HERE

Empowering & Platforming Young Adults for Leadership HERE

Biting the Bullet for New and Young Leaders HERE

Why Teenagers Should Volunteer & Serve HERE

Sunday Mind Dump - July 31, 2011

Today was one of our best days in a long time.

The music was good, worship was spontaneous, and God’s Word penetrated very deep.

Greg Gill nailed on the drums today, especially during the song “I See the Lord.” 

Esther M. was on stage as a new singer today, filling in for Renee J. who is out for a few weeks.  Esther fit in perfectly, has a great voice, and comes from a strong Christian family.  It was great to have her on board.  BTW, her father is the man who plays acoustic guitar.

Everyone – all the singers and all the musicians – nailed it.  I was sitting towards the back and was blown away.

Attendance has increased every Sunday for the month of July, with today being the highest.

Giving has climbed all month too.  The month of July has been one of our best months ever in thirteen years… and it has been the best July on record.

After church we held the Newcomers Luncheon which turned out to be a great event.  There were two dozen people in the room I didn’t know, which means we hit our target audience perfectly.  The best part of all was watching the way these newcomers began connecting with other newcomers.  Gotta love it.

This event would not have happened if not for Ann Lewis and the team of people she pulled together for this effort.  I won’t attempt to mention everyone by name because I am sure to miss someone, but I will say that your labor of love was noticed, is appreciated, and was very effective for PCC.  The table displays, food, and set up were first class too.

After the days events I ended up having a lengthy visit with Gene, Brian, and Denise in her office.  We had a great talking and didn’t leave until 3:00 p.m.

Lot’s of victory at PCC right now.  Things haven’t bee this good in a long, long time.

When I got to church this morning I found a package and a nice note at my office door.  It was a picture of a waterfall, taken by this person, who then enlarged it and framed it.  The card contained words of encouragement that were as refreshing to me as if were standing at the base of the waterfall myself.  Thank you DK.

Living a public life is not so much fun – it’s like living in a fish bowl, or always being in somebody’s headlights. Trust me, not easy.  But there are certain people in the body of Christ who make it all bearable. They are “encouragers.” In fact, they might even have the gift of encouragement. Aside from ministering their gift to the body, they often direct it towards their pastor. These people can do more for a pastor’s emotional well-being than a professionally trained therapist. They are gifts from God.  A well-timed “thank you” from someone can lift me for days.

My wife has been in Gainesville FL for a solid week with her father who is hospitalized at Shands Hospital.  She got home last night about 6:00 p.m., so she could be in service with us this morning, then left shortly after church this afternoon to return to Gainesville.  She will be there a least a couple of more days.  She is tired.  Her father is ill.  We covet your prayers.

So glad the AC’s were working good today.  It was cold.

Have you noticed the children’s hallway recently?  Have you noticed the rooms?  These people have it going on!  The whole wing is a children’s “environment.”  It is truly a kids “zone.”

Teen camp starts tomorrow.  I have been invited to speak at one of the breakaway sessions on Wednesday.  Looking forward to it.

Yes, I said, “Ronnie’s Vineyard and Winery” in the second service.  Yes, I’m glad that people know when to take me seriously and when not to.

PCC University starts in September. 

I love what God is doing at PCC.

God is good.

Emotional Survival

I was having breakfast with a couple of fellow pastors who needed more than a cup of caffeine to pick themselves up.  Summer attendance was down.  Key people were leaving their churches because of disagreements.  And money was very, very tight.

One of the guys said, “I knew seasons like this would come.  I just didn’t know how stressful they would be.”

To this day, after twenty-five years in ministry, these kinds of disappointments still blindside me.  Nothing prepares you for how ministry can drain you emotionally, leaving you in pain, even worse, feeling numb or in despair or seething in anger.  This is why so many good men and women in ministry have careened into moral ditches and many more just soldier on with plastic smiles and burned-out souls.

About two years ago Renae and I had dinner with a neighboring pastor and his wife at Bonefish Grill in Pensacola on a Friday night.  We were going through similar experiences in our respective churches, coincidentally at the same time, so we spent the evening sharing our painful stories with each other.  We talked about the hits and hurts that came our way in ministry as occupational hazards and how they tear away at our souls, sapping our enthusiasm, and our ministry stamina.  Before I realized it, four hours had elapsed!  This left me dreaming of finding myself on a beach with an umbrella in my drink – permanently.

What makes ministry so hazardous?  That’s easy.  It all starts with overbuilt expectations.  When you enter the ministry (or plant a church), you can’t help but dream.  Many of us dream big.  That’s one of the marks of a leader – a compelling vision for the future.  But for almost everyone, it’s not long before the dream collides with reality.

When I planted PCC in the spring of 1998, I just knew (though I would not have said so out loud) that we were going to be a church in the hundreds in a matter of weeks.

The reality was having 70 people in our first service, and by the third Sunday looking out at 45 people sitting in plastic chairs in a school cafeteria.  Yes, we did eventually increase in numbers, and even today we are a mid-sized church, but I don’t care what kind of growth you have – if you are a pastor you usually hope for more.

Then there are the day-in, day-out realities of serving in a church that is very real, very flawed, and very challenging.  No matter how well it goes, you have problems, issues, hassles, struggles, defections, betrayals, setbacks, barriers, and defeats.  You also have to live with a level of quality that is about ten miles below what ignited your dream.  Coupled with this work – hard work – you realize that it could take years for even a glimpse of your dream to become a reality.

And those are just the emotional hits from your expectations.  Then there are the hits that come from the very people that you are working so hard to serve.  This is the heart of emotional drain. We are shepherds, and sheep are messy.  People can hurt you – more than you ever imagined – in particular through the relational defections of those you trusted.

You’ll understand if I change a few details in what follows.  It was a Friday afternoon in July a few years ago and it was raining hard that day.  I was caught up with all my work and was hoping to knock off soon when one of my key leaders unexpectedly showed up at the church asking to speak with me.  For him to show up in the middle of the day asking for a special meeting was not a good sign.

“Ron,” he said, “Do you have a few minutes?  I’d like to bend your ear concerning a couple of things.”

“Sure” was all I could manage to say.

We met in an office and he began to unload.  He had more than just a few things he wanted to talk about.  I could not believe the things he said to me.  I was deeply hurt and offended.

So much for knocking off early that day.

This meeting, it turned out, was the trigger that set in motion a series of events that eventually resulted in our Ten Year Hiccup at PCC.  To say that I never seen it coming would be an understatement. 

It rocked our church.  And me.  The ripple effects were overwhelming.

On a purely organization level, it created quite a hit for PCC.  A number of people sided with this person and left our church taking their talents and financial contributions with them.   Suddenly we found ourselves trying to make up the gaps created by these departures.

But that was nothing compared to the emotional hit I took.  There was the pain of close friends, and even relatives, who left abruptly leaving me feeling utterly betrayed and abandoned.  Then there was the pain I felt as a pastor.  When something like this happens, you feel violated, sick on the inside.  I grieved deeply as I watched the very church I had laid my life down for to suddenly be ripped at the seams.  And somehow I was supposed to sew things back together.  With God’s help we did.

But the biggest emotional hit is how quickly I became the enemy, the bad guy, in they eyes of so many people.  In these situations and others like them, no matter how you handle the people involved, their allies will get upset.  Some will think I went too far on the side of grace, while others will think I went too far on the side of discipline.  Change the story, change the people, and it’s still the same; pastors get caught up in the cross fire of these emotionally charge situations and often become the scapegoat.  It’s kind of like the first person to rush to the side of a dog that has been hit by a car; in the midst of the dog’s pain and frenzy, he bites the very person who is trying to help.

I didn't ask for this and I didn't start it.  But it landed on my desk and as the senior pastor of PCC  I was the one who had to deal with it.  Our church got through that situation as best we could and with as much grace and transparency as possible.  But still, a number of people left PCC very upset with me, refusing to even talk or meet with me, preferring the gossip instead.

I felt like I had been kicked by a horse.

Then of course, there are so many other emotional hits in the ministry:  the stress of finances (both personal and in the church); the unexpected departure of staff; the pain of letters that criticize; the pressure of people who want to redefine the vision and mission of PCC; the relentless torture of expectations; and the agony of making mistakes.   And then there is this little thing called marriage and family.

So how do I manage my emotional survival?

First, the bad news:  there is no quick fix.  Ministry is just flat-out tough and often emotionally draining.  You won’t ever escape the hits and hurts.

Now, the good news:  I have learned to develop a way of life that protects, strengthens, and replenishes me emotionally.  Here’s how:  I simply cultivate those activities and choices that allow God to restore me inwardly.  Some things are obvious, like regular days off or engaging myself in hobbies.  And I’ve also learned to get a lot savvier with people and how to deal with them.

But for now, here are two choices I wish I had made earlier in life.  They are key to my emotional survival and have kept me in the ministry for the long haul.

I Work Well Within My Boundaries of Giftedness

First of all, ministry is tough enough on its own.  But if I serve too long outside of my primary areas of giftedness, I won’t last very long under the stress and strain that comes with the territory.  There is something about spending large amounts of time serving against the grain of my natural gifting that saps my emotional strength and spiritual energy.  I have grown up enough to recognize this.

For instance, I do not rank very high with the spiritual gift of “mercy,” not to mention the way it plays out in, say, extended pastoral counseling sessions.  I don’t the have patience for it and I’m not good at it.  So if I had to spend extended amounts of time with people in this kind of setting listening to them cry, it would simply wipe me out.

Even in our church, where spiritual gifts are taught and celebrated, and people are encouraged to deploy their own gifts for the benefit of the body, I, as the pastor, am still expected to have them all – and to operate in them all.  It’s impossible.  The danger (temptation) I face is that I will allow myself to try, and soon I will be wiped out with little or no reserves for the daily toil.

So I need to guard how I serve by working within the boundaries of my giftedness most of the time.

Emotionally Replenishing Experiences

Second, I intentionally pursue emotionally replenishing experiences.  When I hurt, if I don’t do something God-honoring to fill my tank with, I am tempted to find something that isn’t God-honoring.  Or at the very least, I am vulnerable to something that isn’t.  I am convinced this is why so many pastors struggle with secret vices – they offer a quick emotional or pleasurable hit.

To prevent that, I deliberately do things that channel deep emotional joy into my life.  For some folks it might be boating, or golf, or the beach.  For me it’s being away from the noise of daily grind, long drives in the country, reading, time alone with Renae, gardening, and enjoying anything outdoors – particularly in the forest.  There’s something about being in the woods away from people, listening to the wind in the top of pine trees that invigorates me.

About twelve years ago I was in Charlotte NC attending a meeting for pastors, when a certain mentor asked me, “What do you like to do more than anything else that is not work related?  What is it that puts emotional reserves back in your tank?”

I didn’t have to think long or hard about it.  I knew the answer:  “I would go to the forest and be alone.”  For as long as I can remember, being alone in the woods has held a significance for my state of mind that I cannot explain.  Even as a boy, I spent a great deal of my time alone in the woods walking on narrow trails, sitting on creek banks, exploring, climbing, canoeing, and sitting in solicitude just listening to the quiet.  And to this day, being in the woods is particularly rich for me.

“Good” he said, “You should do it once a month.”

I thought, “You’ve got to be kidding.  Once a month?  I don’t have the time.  My life is too busy and too full to put something like that in my schedule.”

Then he said something I will never forget.  “If you don’t, you will end up in a ditch.  You will burn out, lose your ministry, perhaps your family, and become a causality of the cause.”

I knew he was right.  I was already seeing the edges of my life fraying and knew how easily my world could unravel.

I went to Blackwater State Forest.

My first trip there found me driving for hours along the dirt fire lanes and discovering new places.  I remember it to this day.  It was like water on a dry desert.  I felt energy flowing back into me.  I came home walking on air.  My wife thought I had been drinking.  I had – from the well of living water which God intends for all of us to draw.

Now I escape regularly, usually with Renae.  We may spend a day or two in a budget hotel in some little out of the way place, or on the river in a canoe away from the crowds.  Or we may simply take a day trip driving along country roads and stopping at roadside vegetable stands.  We’ve been to Calloway Gardens a few times, another very nice place which has proven to be an excellent retreat for us.  We’ve spent time at Wakulla Springs near Tallahassee; a state park with a turn-of-the-century hotel that has no T.V. or inter-net.  It’s like stepping back in time.  It’s particularly refreshing to go to these places in the fall when the air is cool and the skies are clear because I feel the weight of the world fall off my shoulders.  When I inhale the cool air it goes all the way down to my toes.  I feast off it for weeks.

On the front end, I would have told you that it was impossible to put this into my life.  Looking back, I will tell you that it is unthinkable not to have it.